Monday, April 12, 2010

A Newfound Joy

I woke up for work on Monday morning. I woke up with an immense peace and joy that I had never before experienced in my entire life. Yes, I did think about Caleb. No, I was not in a state of denial; I simply couldn't find an ounce of despair in myself. I was amazed at this feeling. It absolutely was surreal to me.

One thing I have never mentioned in my previous blogs is this awesome sign that God had given me. At several points between the Thursday I had the consult with the neurologists and the Sunday I had surrendered my sorrow, I had distinctly smelled the sweet scent of incense. No, it was not like the cheap incense you buy and burn in your was the incense they use in Catholic churches for special occasions. I'm sure that many of you know what it smells like. Some people dislike it, but I love the way it smells. That scent has always made me feel like that is the way Heaven smells. The incense is used to symbolize our prayers rising up to the heavens in a cloud. I love to imagine my prayers rising to the Father in that cloud of sweet-smelling incense.

I knew in my heart that God had sent me this fragrance as a sign that He is with me. The first time I smelled it was in the parking garage at Rush as my mom and I waited for the elevator. I asked her if she was wearing some new fragrance or deodorant. I hadn't smelled it in the car on the way there, but it was so strong to me just a parking garage of all places! She said she couldn't smell whatever it was I was smelling. It seemed strange to me then, until I smelled it again the next day when I was praying the Rosary. I smelled my rosary beads and there it was again, and that is when I realized that it had to be a sign.

Throughout the course of the day I had passing thoughts of Caleb. I had been asked a few times about how I was feeling and if everything was okay. The truth was that everything was as okay as it could have been at the time. I felt like I was just a pregnant lady, eagerly awaiting the birth of her son.

When I left work I checked my voicemail and I had a message from a nurse practitioner at Rush. She informed me that she had scheduled an appointment with the genetic counselor following my previously scheduled ultrasound in a few weeks. That is when I realized that I still hadn't gotten the results of the rest of my amnio. It was after 5PM and I knew I wouldn't be able to reach the nurses until the next day.

I let myself lose my trust and I began to panic. Why would a genetic counselor need to meet with me if there wasn't something wrong with the chromosomes? I went home and began researching X-linked chromosomal syndromes that pass from mother to son. I let myself run away with it and I began to imagine that Imola, my daughter, carried a syndrome that she would one day pass to her son. I began to imagine that I wouldn't have any more children for fear that I'd have another son and I would once again pass this horrible defect on to a child.

The internet provided me with terrifying mental images of the chromosomal abnormalities of my future children. I read of a syndrome that passes from mother to son and usually causes the baby to die in-utero. If the mother is a carrier, her sons have a 50% chance of getting that gene. I began to ponder the fact that my mom only had 3 living sons out of 14 pregnancies; 2 of them ending in miscarriage and the gender was never determined. I remembered that my mother only had one brother out of a family with 6 children and I knew my grandma had lost a few babies. I suddenly realized that there could totally be an unknown gene floating around my family and I would never have known.

All at once, I realized that I wasn't trusting in God's Will. I realized that I had let go of my trust as soon as I let myself worry. I remembered that I had made a commitment and I needed to stick to it. I never before realized that trust isn't something you declare at one point and it sticks around forever; it is a decision that you make every day of your life. It is a commitment that you make and it is something that you have to work on in order to keep it in your life.

I can honestly say that as soon as I made this realization, I decided once again to let God take it from me. I consciously began to pray the prayer of Divine Mercy. I opened my heart and once again, He came in and took away the fear. I went to bed that night knowing that everything was going to be okay, no matter what the amnio results were.

No comments:

Post a Comment