Here We Go...

Yesterday afternoon I went to my 38-week prenatal visit. I had been having a suspicion that my water bag was leaking so I asked the doctor to check it out for me. There were no obvious signs of a tear, but just to be on the safe side, the doctor decided to do an ultrasound to make sure that I had enough fluid in there.

The ultrasound showed that there was 4 centimeters of fluid in my bag and there needs to be at least 5. The doctor told me that the normal amount of fluid is 8 to 10 centimeters. He said that it doesn't matter what the reason is for my fluid being low; I am full term and there is no need to continue being pregnant at this point. He said that it would be the safest to induce labor and deliver the baby before things get complicated.

Ha! Things "get complicated?" Well it is pretty complicated when you drop off your 3-year-old at the babysitter's house and drive to Chicago alone, only to have your "Check Engine" light come on en-route and your vehicle begins to make all sorts of funny noises. Then, you are told you can't go home because you have to get induced. So you call your husband and tell him to leave work, take your daughter to your in-laws and go home to pick up his stuff. Oh, and by the way, induction can take up to 2 days! How's that for complicated? "Honey, make sure you bring someone with to take home the van that is broken in the parking garage! And bring plenty of stuff to do because you won't be going home for a while!" Did I mention that today is Wednesday and Andy has a mid-term this Saturday? Complicated? I think so!

Ok...now that my rant is over; I am lying in a hospital bed attached to an IV drip with Pitocin (wonderful stuff...not!) and I also have a blood pressure cuff, a fetal heart rate monitor and a contraction monitor. I began this process last night at 6pm, which was about 3 hours after I was admitted. Oh, and I haven't been allowed to eat anything but liquids. That means Jello, broth, Italian ice and juice. Don't worry; I'm sure I'll keep my strength up for the next day and a half.

A Special Blessing

The last time I posted, I forgot to mention that Caleb received a special blessing this past Saturday. We were at a family party and one of my mom's friends approached me as I was talking to a friend of mine about Caleb's situation and the impending delivery.

I won't name any names, but I will say that this is a woman who I know pretty well and I would definitely not consider her a "flake." She suddenly jumped in to the conversation I was having and made a comment about something I had just said. Then, she asked me if I would mind if she prayed over me for Caleb. I never mind that kind of thing so I said it would be okay. What I didn't expect was that she immediately grabbed my arm and excused us from my friend who was still standing there. There was a sense of urgency in her voice and we walked quickly away to an area of the yard where no one was standing. As we walked, she told me that she had been given the Gift of Tongues last year and then recently, she was also given the Gift of Anointing. She said that God had spoken to her through prayer and instructed her to go out and heal and anoint.

Now some of you might think this is a bunch of crazy talk. I know that I used to think the same thing about people speaking in tongues and being given orders by God while they were praying. When I was a teenager a came upon several occasions where I witnessed someone speaking in tongues and I most certainly believe in it now. I also have seen people who I knew were "faking it" and I can see the difference. Also, God has directed me during prayer and I know that people really do hear His voice and follow His commands.

That being said, this woman laid her hands on my belly and closed her eyes and she began to speak in English. After a few moments she strayed off into this foreign tongue. She kept speaking for what seemed like a good 5 minutes or so and her voice became louder and then softened again. Caleb had been still for a long time and he suddenly began to move around; kicking vigorously.

She made the sign of the cross with her thumb on my belly and as she quieted, Caleb calmed down as well. It was beautiful! The language she was speaking sounded like no other I had heard, but it was rhythmic and soothing. I could feel the presence of the Lord all around us at that time and it was so peaceful.

When she was finished, the woman gave me a long, strong embrace and left me with a "God be with you." She told me that she had heard me talking to my friend as she was walking by and she suddenly felt an undeniable urge to pray over me. She said that she will anoint as God has instructed but the healing is up to Him. She is only acting as His instrument. What a gift that is!

I am so blessed to have Him showering blessings over me and Caleb. I know that even though I am anxious, He is there with me. I never feel alone. Really. He continually reminds me not to be afraid, but to remain strong. I am happy that some people listen to God's instructions and are brave enough to allow Him to work through them. This occasion is the perfect example of a time when a human being was capable of bringing the peace of Christ to someone simply by following His will and overcoming the fear to do so.

The Pressures of Decisions

A few weeks ago I sent out an email to all of mine and Andy's family. I specifically said that we don't want any visitors at the hospital when Caleb is born. When you add Andy's siblings, spouses and their children to mine and then you add our parents, you come up with a number close to thirty people. That is a lot of potential visitors, especially when you are expected to make personal and very private medical decisions that could mean the life or death of your child.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy that we have so many people who care about us and Caleb and wish to put in their opinions to help us reach the best-possible outcome. That doesn't mean that we will welcome their suggestions and advice, especially considering that we don't really share the same views in popular medicine.

I have already come to a point where I feel a lot of pressure in making a few decisions relating to Caleb and I just wish that everyone could put themselves in my shoes. I am carrying a baby; a baby that I have known for 9 months; a baby that I have already established an emotional bond with. I am coming so close to the inevitable...delivering him. He could come tonight; he could come in two weeks. All I know is that he will be coming soon. That means that the time is rapidly approaching when the decisions will have to be made. Andy and I will soon face the reality that our son might not live a long life or he may live a long and painful one. Caleb may beat all odds and do better than any of us might expect. The only thing I can guarantee is that we will learn the answers to our questions when he is here with us.

I cannot describe the bitter-sweet feelings I have regarding this anticipation. I feel like I am reaching the light at the end of a tunnel, yet I don't know if there is a monster waiting out there on the other side of it. The only thing I can do now is to trust in God and wait. I am still not afraid, but it is still extremely difficult to sit and wait helplessly for something to happen, knowing that you have not an ounce of control over the outcome.

It is a shame that people can't empathize with me in that I don't need any added stress right now. You'd think that everyone would try their best to just let me be, but somehow, that just isn't happening. To say the least, I guess I'm a little disappointed.

It gets worse before it gets better.

I had a prenatal appointment this past Wednesday. It was my 37-week routine check-up. I also finally got a chance to go for a tour of the labor and delivery floor at the hospital and I got to go in the NICU. After talking with the nurse practitioners in the MFM program at the hospital, I have decided that I want to wait a little while before I give birth to Caleb. Here are the reasons why.

Firstly, I thought it would be a good idea to ask the nurses about holding Caleb when he is born. Up until now, I have had this hope that he would be born crying and breathing with a steady heartbeat. I thought that maybe I would be allowed to hold him for a little while before they take him away for all the tests and whatever else they have to do to him. The nurses assured me that I would not, under any circumstance, be able to hold him before he goes to the NICU. Even if he is born "pink and screaming" I would be allowed to give him a kiss on the cheek at best.

The nurse said that he might be breathing and in 5 minutes, he wouldn't be. She said that they just can't take any risks until they know for sure that he is stable. Now I am sure that any mother can understand the desire to hold her baby as soon as he is born. I believe in the bonding process and that it is important for both mother and baby. I also know that it is common for mothers who miss out on this bonding process to end up with post-partum depression...which I am at a great risk for anyway.

So I would like to hold Caleb close to my heart for as long as possible before they take him from me. There have been people telling me that it is all for the greater good and that Caleb will be in good hands. People are telling me to remember that they will need to take him in the beginning so that I can have a better chance to hold him later. Now I do realize that these things are true, but that doesn't really make it easy to accept it all. I know that when the time comes, I am going to be bawling. I know that I am going to be wondering if he will die before I get a chance to hold him...that would truly haunt me forever. I know that I have to surrender myself and all my desires for Caleb and his health, but it is going to be extremely difficult.

Then, there is the new discovery that was made in the last ultrasound. Up until now, we knew that Caleb had 2 separate issues with his brain. One of the issues is the heterotopia, which is the mass of excess tissue in the left-frontal lobe. The other issue is the absence of the corpus callosum and the presence of the cyst in its place. The doctors had noted that the right side of the brain appeared to be developing normally and they hoped that the right side would compensate for the left.

It has been explained to me that in recent weeks, Caleb has developed an issue with the right side of his brain. He now has moderate hydrocephaly, which means there is swelling in a ventricle. His right lateral ventricle is moderately dilated, and I have been told that this will require a shunt to be put in. This would be an entirely different procedure from the one he may potentially have on the left side of his brain, so now, we are talking multiple surgeries from the get go. Not to mention the fact that shunts that are required because of abnormal anatomy need to be in place permanently. Babies outgrow shunts and they also have a risk of clogging or malfunctioning and this means that he will have to have revisions throughout his life. Again, this is something new that I feel I need time to digest before I meet him.

I was worried about his head being too large to deliver and needing a cesarean, but that is no longer a major concern of mine. The doctor I saw this week said that he feels I will probably be able to deliver him vaginally since my daughter was such a large baby. He believes my pelvis can accommodate a head that is a little large in size, but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I guess I'm okay with that.

According to this doctor, the one who performed my internal exam, there are no "tell-tale" signs that I will be going into labor very soon. Like I said, now that I am in no hurry, that is just fine with me. He did say that things can change overnight so there are no guarantees, but obviously it is good to hear that I don't appear to be on the doorstep of delivery.

I'll be going again for another appointment this Tuesday. I am eager to hear what they will have to say about labor signs when I go in. It is bound to happen sooner or later, but I am just hoping for later than sooner.

I Thought I Had Accepted All This, But...

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. I guess you could say that life caught up with me and I just got wrapped up with work and preparations for having Caleb. I really had nothing new to report until now.

As of yesterday, I have come to the realization that I have not accepted all of what is about to happen to me. I know that I have accepted what is potentially in store for Caleb, but I have made myself into an observer...an innocent bystander of sorts. I have not truly allowed myself to go into in-depth contemplation on what kind of labor and birth I will have. I guess a part of me felt like it would be selfish to consider the things that will happen to my body when the only thing that should matter to me is Caleb and his well-being.

Yesterday I had an ultrasound and prenatal exam. I was prepared to discuss the findings and I wanted to talk about the potential of having a C-section. At this point, the only reason they would plan on a C-section is if his head is too large to pass. I have been told at the last few ultrasounds that his head was a little large, but not excessively. I was also told that the state of his brain abnormalities hasn't changed. I guess I have been imagining that to be good news.

The reality is this; his head, at this point, is at the 95th percentile for growth. Yes, as you are probably thinking, that is alarmingly significant. The cervix only dilates to 10 centimeters in diameter and anything bigger than that won't fit through it. Caleb's head is 9.2 centimeters and I the doctors are certain that if he isn't born within the next week or so, it will grow to be too large. I am really not planning to have a C-section, but I have been preparing myself for the possibility.

I asked them if they would consider inducing me to prevent his head from growing too large. I am 36 weeks and 37 weeks is considered "full term." I would rather not be induced either, but considering the lose-lose situation of C-section versus induction, I prefer the latter. The problem is that they won't induce me either as their policy is not to induce before 39 weeks. This presents the problem of me not getting any say-so in my medical care. I feel it should be my choice if I prefer to be induced at 37 weeks or if I choose to schedule a C-section. We are pretty sure that if I make it to 38 weeks, his head will be too big and I will end up with a C-section anyway. I'd rather be prepared and at least be able to give vaginal birth a try.

I have come to the realization that this birth is going to be completely out of my hands and it is most-likely not going to go as I would wish it to. I haven't even met all the delivering doctors at the clinic I go to and that means I could end up with a perfect stranger delivering Caleb. Even the doctors I have met are strangers to me. I have never had more than 1 appointment with any of them so I honestly can't say I feel comfortable with any of them delivering my baby.

Again, I thought I had taken all of this into consideration and accepted it, but as it turns out, I was wrong. The only thing I have accepted is that Caleb will be taken from me when he is born and our relationship will suffer due to the time he will spend away from me in the NICU. I have not accepted what this situation means for me, as a patient.

Another thing I was supposed to do yesterday was go on a tour of the Labor and Delivery floor and the NICU. Neither of those tours happened. I have never even set foot inside the place my son will be cared for, nor have I met any of the neonatal staff. The nurse who was supposed to take me for the tour wasn't available when I was ready and there was apparently no one else who could take me. How disappointing. I am still not scared, but I feel so horribly unprepared.

On the bright side, Caleb now weighs a whopping 6lbs 13oz, which is nearly 1lb bigger than average for this week in pregnancy. He won't be as big as his sister (thank God) but he will still be a nice-sized boy. Unfortunately, I was told that the cyst in his head has grown as well. This was much to my dismay because I was under the impression that nothing was changing in the brain. At this point, I don't know the implications of the increase in size and it seems that the doctors have all assumed a "we won't know what any of this truly means until Caleb is here" stance and it is honestly getting me a little frustrated.

I understand that no one can predict how well or how poorly Caleb will do outside the womb, but all the more reason to get him out next week, right? I can say that I am ready to go...let's just pray that he is, too.

Antsy in Your Pantsy. Oh...and Crabby, Too.

I am now 31 weeks pregnant. I feel hot, fat and annoyed. I have finally reached the point in pregnancy where I am miserable and ready to deliver. Obviously, I know that Caleb isn't quite ready yet, but I sure am! I am waddling for Pete's sake!

In some ways, it is good to be able to just say I feel like any other normal pregnant lady. I am sweating even when I am just lying still in bed...even with my air conditioning on! It has been near or over 90 degrees every day for over a week now and I am starting to think that this is what summer is going to be like. So much for mild.

I have been having nightmares and waking up to go to the bathroom about every 2 hours. I am exhausted, but I can't sleep. All of these things are signs that I'm getting closer to the end; including the fact that I have an extremely short fuse these days. I always feel like I'm going to blow up at any minute...or cry. Stupid hormones.

Did I mention that Caleb doesn't want me to sleep? His favorite midnight past-time is kicking and punching whichever side of my belly I am laying on. So basically, he beats up the bed and it makes it extremely difficult to sleep. I can't even begin to tell you how fun it is to go to work in the morning when you haven't slept. I am just looking forward to my maternity leave, which begins in just six weeks. Boy, it couldn't be soon enough! Those six weeks will fly by, but right now it seems like at eternity. I'm glad I have Imola to take my mind off of how tired I am. I just wish she could share some of her energy.

Ultrasound Number....Who's Counting?

I had another follow-up ultrasound today. I also had my very first prenatal visit with the staff at Rush. I am 30-weeks pregnant and it is nice to be able to say that I am 3/4 of the way there! My appointments will be every 2 weeks now instead of every 4 and all of them will be at the clinic at Rush. I just can't wait to drive that far every other week (not!)

So I was very happy to hear that my weight gain slowed and I am back to gaining only 1lb a week. I am attributing that to my self-discipline in the "cravings" department...way to go Heather!!! My blood pressure was up a little, but nothing to be concerned about. Other than that, Caleb kicked the doppler again while they were listening to his heartbeat. I am thoroughly convinced that he hates being messed with in any way.

The ultrasound was short and to-the-point. I was told that Caleb now weighs a little over 3lbs, which is at the 47th percentile for gestational growth. It looks like maybe I will get a chance to deliver an average-size baby after all. As far as his brain is concerned, everything appeared to be the same as before. The doctor did note that his ventricles were a little enlarged, but I believe that one of them was enlarged when we had the MRI two months ago.

One other thing that made me a little uneasy was the fact that the doctor said his head size is about a week ahead of his body. If his head continues to grow faster than his body, I will most likely end up with a Cesarean...which I really would rather avoid. So I would appreciate the continued prayers that Caleb will grow well and his proportions will be normal.

I am totally feeling like things are good at this point. I am thankful that the situation doesn't seem to be getting drastically worse and I have an overwhelming sense of calmness. It must be all the blessings that are being bestowed on Andy and I since everyone has been praying for us. We are growing more and more excited to meet our little angel!