tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-53649296044880137882024-03-08T02:13:55.631-06:00Life After a Dismal Prenatal DiagnosisLife is never guaranteed to be what you imagine it to be. We can never be sure what our future holds. When I was 22 weeks pregnant with my second child, I learned of his extreme brain abnormalities. I was given a frightening description of the medical issues he would most likely have and I had to find a way to cope with the situation. Life as I knew it would be changed forever. This is my story.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-47291215790654603472010-08-31T12:39:00.002-05:002010-09-22T16:21:41.602-05:00Intervention? Not Now.With each passing day, I look at Caleb with total and complete awe. I remember all the time I spent in utter anguish after hearing the initial prognosis. I remember having such a difficult time imagining my life and the future of this child. I remember wondering if he would live or die and knowing that it was completely out of my hands. I remember Divine Mercy Sunday, when I gave it all to God and chose to have complete trust in His Divine plan.<br /><br />I am so happy that I let the Lord in to my heart to take away the angst and fear and replace it with peace and joy. How many months would I have wasted on worry? Without a doubt, our lives were still thrown into complete upheaval, and even with the trust I had, it was a difficult time. The point is that I was still able to find comfort in God's will and let Him envelop me in His arms; bringing me hope. I want everyone to be able to experience the wonders that I have in the past few months. How blest I have been!<br /><br />Caleb continues to be a challenge in his "clinginess" but life is so beautiful! I remember what could have been and I whole-heartedly accept the little extra I have to put into caring for my son. He is such a gift! He is starting to give me social smiles and make eye contact.<br /><br />He had his physical and developmental therapy evaluations with the state's early intervention program today. Apparently, Caleb has increased muscle tone, which is common with neurologic disorders. It means that his muscles are unusually rigid and he seems strong for his age (but stronger than he should be, which isn't as good a thing as you would think.) Basically, if he's lying on his back and you pull him up by the arms, he keeps them slightly flexed when they should just flop straight out. Babies aren't supposed to be able to do that. It's not that he "can't" straighten his arms; it's just that the tension in the muscles is too tight.<br /><br />Another thing the therapist noticed was that Caleb tends to tilt his head to the right and his gaze tends to be usually set to the left. Again, it's not that he "can't" tilt his head to the left or look to the right, it's that he has those preferences, which are unusual with most babies, but common with ones who have neurologic issues.<br /><br />These three abnormalities aren't really serious and don't require any therapy at this time. The therapists will be re-evaluating Caleb in three months, but as for now, they are very pleased with his health. Neither therapist noticed any other strange behavior and they assured me that he is right where he should be with his milestones. It is truly amazing! God is protecting him and using him to show the world that He is there and He is listening when you pray!Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-10629547561819502492010-08-20T09:19:00.004-05:002010-09-22T12:39:23.453-05:00A Month of BeautyYesterday, Caleb had his 1-month checkup at the pediatrician. Once again, the doctor said he looks amazing. His head is 38 centimeters, which is perfectly average. When the doctor laid him on his belly, Caleb arched his back and lifted all 4 limbs off the table as well as his head. The doctor said that is very good for any baby to be doing at that age.<br /><br />Caleb weighs a whopping 9lbs 12oz, which means that he has gained nearly 3lbs since leaving the hospital, just over 3 weeks ago! The doctor said that the rate he is growing is outstanding. He said that usually breastfed babies gain weight much more slowly. I explained to him that this is because Caleb is always at the breast! It is actually getting to be a little difficult for me to run the house and take care of all the tasks I need to complete. Sometimes he will nurse for 45 minutes and then want to nurse again an hour later! I'm not sure if he has a good appetite or if I am just a human pacifier to him. I think he may be making a habit of "comfort nursing." This is a challenge for me, but I love nursing him so I suppose I'm okay with it.<br /><br />One of the reasons I think he might be "comfort nursing" is due to colic. I'm not sure if I would call it colic or gas or just a strong desire to be in my arms for security. He is a really fussy baby. It is stressful for me when I try to leave him with his dad or with a family member just so I can run errands or do something for myself. I will nurse him before I leave and I will come back within a few hours and everyone tells me that he cries the minute I step out the door.<br /><br />I have explained the need for patience to my husband and family members that watch him for me. After all, Caleb could have a raging headache every moment of the day and he can't tell us that it hurts; he can only cry. Maybe he is just colicky or gassy. Maybe he was traumatized from all the tests performed in utero. I have heard that studies show ultrasound can be frightening to a preborn baby, especially if it is performed during the last trimester. Caleb certainly had his share of lengthy ultrasounds so maybe that is the reason he cries constantly; because he is unsettled and he wants to be held and nursed for comfort and security.<br /><br />Whatever the reason, Caleb is high-maintenance, but I am dealing with it. I certainly love him just the way he is and I am willing to do whatever he needs me to in order to make him feel better. He is such a pure, beautiful joy to have and hold! If I had no other responsibilities, I'd hold him all day out of desire!Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-76286819130698280312010-08-11T15:20:00.003-05:002010-08-11T15:31:52.003-05:00Waiting for NothingCaleb is exactly 3 weeks old today. We have been to 2 visits with the pediatrician since we left the hospital. Caleb has gained 1and a 1/2 pounds since his discharge and his head circumference is completely average.<br /><br />The pediatrician said that if I hadn't told him anything about Caleb's brain, he would have been none the wiser. He sees no difference between him and any other normal, healthy child. His reflexes are perfect, he moves all limbs. His eyes and ears look great; his heart and breathing sound normal. He continues to eat every 2 to 3 hours and he is sleeping well. He is starting to hold up his head by himself! He is very strong!<br /><br />Caleb stays awake and alert for longer periods of time, during which he likes to look at people's faces with curiosity. He is so beautiful I want to cry.<br /><br />We will be going to the pediatrician again next week as well as the hematologist for his lab results. In a few weeks he will see the pediatric neurologist. Things are going so well and there is such a peace in my heart. I love my son more than I ever knew I could.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-60277659891743224512010-07-28T15:04:00.003-05:002010-08-11T15:20:15.392-05:00Home Sweet HomeLast night, we came home with Caleb. I cannot even begin to express the relief I feel; being able to sit and nurse him in the privacy of my own home. He isn't hooked up to monitors, there aren't any nurses peeking over my shoulder, it is quiet. He kept me up all night and I didn't care. Andy will be home with us for the rest of the week and I know we will enjoy this time together as a family.<br /><br />Caleb is nursing eagerly! It is so hard for me to look at him and know that his brain just isn't right. He looks so beautifully perfect! He seems like a healthy baby and shows no signs of defect. Upon his hospital discharge, the nurses warned me that it is only a matter of time before he starts having seizures. They said it could be days or weeks or months or years, but it will inevitably happen. I know that this is probably the case, but look at how wonderfully God has blessed us this far? I know in my heart that all things are possible and that Caleb may never have the symptoms we expect.<br /><br />At the same time, I know that I have to keep a watchful eye and I know that I have to take it one day at a time. I know that Caleb may still have these medical issues, but I am not going to bank my money on it! Like I said, what I have already witnessed gives me the hope I need to raise this child up and allow God to work miracles through him.<br /><br />I will be forever grateful for all those who have prayed and believed in God's mercy. So many people have carried us through this ordeal and given us the strength through prayer to live another day with a smile on our faces. And now, here we are, holding a tiny miracle in our hands. He is proof that nothing is impossible with God.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-74172449156954849002010-07-26T17:11:00.000-05:002010-08-09T17:46:55.883-05:00The UnexplainableToday is Monday and Caleb is 5 days old. Since his birth, he has had a brain MRI, an EEG, an echocardiogram, and bunch of blood labs drawn. Then today, I was sitting in the NICU at his bedside, waiting for the neonatologist to come by so I could ask her about discharging him, and the most interesting thing happened to me.<br /><br />I was told that the only test we were still waiting on was a test to make sure Caleb's retinas were intact and developed normally. Supposedly, when there are abnormalities of the frontal lobes, there are often also problems with the retinas since they plug into those lobes. The eye doctor who performs the retina exams on neonates is one of very few in the area and he only comes to Rush Hospital on Wednesdays. I was irritated that Caleb would be sitting in the NICU, waiting for this exam to happen on Wednesday when he had already undergone all the other testing that they needed to do. I just wanted to take him home.<br /><br />I was in a chair, nursing Caleb, when I saw an eye doctor going around with a nurse and performing exams on the babies in the room. I figured he was just doing regular, routine exams that are performed on preemies or something. When they had gone around the room and were wrapping up, I muttered under my breath "I wish my baby could have his eye exam done today." The nurse immediately looked over at me and asked what kind of test I was waiting on. I told her retinas and she said, "That's what we were just doing." I told her that the neonatologist had said we had to wait for a special doctor to come on Wednesday and she said that the doctor she was with is usually only in on Wednesdays but today was a fluke. She asked if I wanted to go ahead and have him examined right then. My jaw hit the floor!<br /><br />Caleb ended up having that exam done 2 days earlier than it was supposed to be done. To my relief, after the doctor performed the exam, he declared Caleb's retinas intact and healthy! And finally, the testing was complete!<br /><br />The MRI had confirmed that almost all of Caleb's left frontal lobe was malformed by the area of heterotopia, and some of it was actually on the right side as well. He was indeed missing his corpus callosum and there was dilation in the 3rd ventricle on the right side and the lateral ventricle on the left side. The neurologist actually said that the area they thought was a cyst looked more like a deformity in the flow between the ventricles. One new thing that they saw in this MRI was an area that appeared to be an infarct, which is a stroke. That is why the doctors ordered blood tests to be done to see if Caleb has any blood-clotting diseases and also an echo to make sure his heart was still in good condition. I was told that it is very rare for something like that to show up in a newborn.<br /><br />Aside from the MRI results, all of Caleb's other tests came back normal. He has a perfect heart and retinas, and there was no seizure activity on the EEG. We will have to wait for the blood labs to come back because they take a while, but I am okay with that. He is miraculously healthy! The doctor said that he could see no reason why Caleb would have no symptoms with a brain like that. Can you believe it? He is 5 days old and appears to be perfect! I cannot even begin to express my gratitude and joy. We will be taking him home soon.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-23528760511400779162010-07-24T15:26:00.003-05:002010-08-09T21:02:13.974-05:00Coincidence? I Think Not!A strange thing happened to me while I was in labor. I had been having mild to moderate contractions every few minutes for most of the day on Wednesday. At 5pm my water broke completely and that is when the contractions picked up. They naturally became much more painful and closer together and in addition to that, the nurses began to increase the amount of Pitocin they were giving me to speed things up. That's when I cracked and asked for my epidural.<br /><br />I was okay with getting an epidural, but it was ineffective when I gave birth to Imola so I was a little scared that this time around would prove to be the same. When I got the epidural, I felt less pain, but there was one area on the left side of my lower abdomen that I could still feel. The pain was strong, but it was manageable. The anesthesiologist kept administering greater doses of medication and he even tried repositioning my catheter, but to no avail.<br /><br />As the nurses increased the amount of Pitocin I was receiving, the pain climbed up the scale. In a matter of a couple of hours, my pain had gone from a 6 to a 9 or 10 on a scale of 1 to 10. I was absolutely writhing in pain and the only small relief I could get was from an ice pack applied to my belly.<br /><br />In the middle of this horrific pain, a person, strategically-placed by God, strolled into my room. The doctor who was on the labor and delivery floor that evening was one whom I did not know well. He was the doctor who I saw at my first appointment with the maternal-fetal medicine doctors, but I had never seen him again since then. I didn't feel like I had a relationship with him so I was a little disappointed that he would be the one delivering Caleb.<br /><br />This doctor decided to come in and say hello since I hadn't seen him yet that day (the residents are the ones who take care of you most of the time.) So in comes the doctor as Andy is reading a book on the couch and I am in the bed dying in pain. After he said hello, he immediately asked me if I listen to Relevant Radio, which I thought was a very strange question.<br /><br />If you have been following this blog from the beginning, you would have read an entry in early May in which I talked about calling in to a radio show called "Go Ask Your Father." I had gotten to meet Fr. Rocky, who is the host of the show, and he blessed Caleb in my womb. I told him I wanted to make a prayer request for Caleb on-air and he had me call in during his show to ask the 30 million listeners to pray for my unborn son.<br /><br />Anyway, the doctor said the he was listening to "Go Ask Your Father" and he heard a girl named Heather describe the medical condition of her unborn son and ask that the listeners pray for him. He said that he immediately knew it was me because it was too coincidental for him to just see a patient with my name who was pregnant with a boy with these specific brain abnormalities.<br /><br />Needless to say, I almost fell out of the bed! How is it that coincidentally, the doctor who I saw just happened to be listening to a radio talk show when I called in? I didn't even know he was Catholic let alone a fan of Relevant Radio. And here, this was the doctor who would be present when my little angel came into the world.<br /><br />Andy and I knew right then that God had sent this specific doctor to care for me in delivery and there was a tremendous peace within our hearts. Now this peace didn't make the pain of my contractions go away, although I wish it had! Nonetheless, it still made me feel so much better.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-34507372486862722772010-07-22T07:45:00.002-05:002010-08-09T17:11:31.901-05:00My MiracleMy son, Caleb John Paul Moreno, was born last night at 10:40 PM. He was 7lbs, 6oz and 19 3/4 inches long. Caleb was born "pink and screaming" as they say, and he looked like a completely "normal and healthy" newborn.<br /><br />I was astonished as I took my first glimpse of him; immediately after he came out. He looked amazing! Even the doctor who delivered him said that he thought Caleb looked great. Even though I was told before that I wouldn't be allowed, I asked if I could hold him. To my amazement, the nurses from the NICU responded with "Sure! Why not?" They wrapped him up and handed him over to me.<br /><br />Upon receiving this tiny, beautiful boy, wrapped in a blanket with a little pink face peeking out, I broke into sobs of joy and relief. I could not believe that my angel was finally there in my arms; just moments after he was born. He looked perfect physically and had no seizures immediately as we had anticipated. His Apgar score was an 8 and then, a little while later a 9; which is excellent. I was blown away at how well it all turned out.<br /><br />Now, here we are the next morning, and the NICU nurses that were with him all night said he had exhibited no signs of abnormality whatsoever. They said if they hadn't been told about his brain, they would have no idea why he was in the NICU.<br /><br />God is amazing! Let me just say that I have never in my life seen a miracle like this. I know that miracles really do happen, but who am I that He would bestow such a wonder on me? Who am I that God would have mercy on my son? He is truly answering our prayers and I can't deny that.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-21500190786297750162010-07-21T10:26:00.002-05:002010-08-09T16:53:50.972-05:00Here We Go...Yesterday afternoon I went to my 38-week prenatal visit. I had been having a suspicion that my water bag was leaking so I asked the doctor to check it out for me. There were no obvious signs of a tear, but just to be on the safe side, the doctor decided to do an ultrasound to make sure that I had enough fluid in there.<br /><br />The ultrasound showed that there was 4 centimeters of fluid in my bag and there needs to be at least 5. The doctor told me that the normal amount of fluid is 8 to 10 centimeters. He said that it doesn't matter what the reason is for my fluid being low; I am full term and there is no need to continue being pregnant at this point. He said that it would be the safest to induce labor and deliver the baby before things get complicated.<br /><br />Ha! Things "get complicated?" Well it is pretty complicated when you drop off your 3-year-old at the babysitter's house and drive to Chicago alone, only to have your "Check Engine" light come on en-route and your vehicle begins to make all sorts of funny noises. Then, you are told you can't go home because you have to get induced. So you call your husband and tell him to leave work, take your daughter to your in-laws and go home to pick up his stuff. Oh, and by the way, induction can take up to 2 days! How's that for complicated? "Honey, make sure you bring someone with to take home the van that is broken in the parking garage! And bring plenty of stuff to do because you won't be going home for a while!" Did I mention that today is Wednesday and Andy has a mid-term this Saturday? Complicated? I think so!<br /><br />Ok...now that my rant is over; I am lying in a hospital bed attached to an IV drip with Pitocin (wonderful stuff...not!) and I also have a blood pressure cuff, a fetal heart rate monitor and a contraction monitor. I began this process last night at 6pm, which was about 3 hours after I was admitted. Oh, and I haven't been allowed to eat anything but liquids. That means Jello, broth, Italian ice and juice. Don't worry; I'm sure I'll keep my strength up for the next day and a half.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-14741957226763673282010-07-20T09:16:00.003-05:002010-08-09T16:26:37.758-05:00A Special BlessingThe last time I posted, I forgot to mention that Caleb received a special blessing this past Saturday. We were at a family party and one of my mom's friends approached me as I was talking to a friend of mine about Caleb's situation and the impending delivery.<br /><br />I won't name any names, but I will say that this is a woman who I know pretty well and I would definitely not consider her a "flake." She suddenly jumped in to the conversation I was having and made a comment about something I had just said. Then, she asked me if I would mind if she prayed over me for Caleb. I never mind that kind of thing so I said it would be okay. What I didn't expect was that she immediately grabbed my arm and excused us from my friend who was still standing there. There was a sense of urgency in her voice and we walked quickly away to an area of the yard where no one was standing. As we walked, she told me that she had been given the Gift of Tongues last year and then recently, she was also given the Gift of Anointing. She said that God had spoken to her through prayer and instructed her to go out and heal and anoint.<br /><br />Now some of you might think this is a bunch of crazy talk. I know that I used to think the same thing about people speaking in tongues and being given orders by God while they were praying. When I was a teenager a came upon several occasions where I witnessed someone speaking in tongues and I most certainly believe in it now. I also have seen people who I knew were "faking it" and I can see the difference. Also, God has directed me during prayer and I know that people really do hear His voice and follow His commands.<br /><br />That being said, this woman laid her hands on my belly and closed her eyes and she began to speak in English. After a few moments she strayed off into this foreign tongue. She kept speaking for what seemed like a good 5 minutes or so and her voice became louder and then softened again. Caleb had been still for a long time and he suddenly began to move around; kicking vigorously.<br /><br />She made the sign of the cross with her thumb on my belly and as she quieted, Caleb calmed down as well. It was beautiful! The language she was speaking sounded like no other I had heard, but it was rhythmic and soothing. I could feel the presence of the Lord all around us at that time and it was so peaceful.<br /><br />When she was finished, the woman gave me a long, strong embrace and left me with a "God be with you." She told me that she had heard me talking to my friend as she was walking by and she suddenly felt an undeniable urge to pray over me. She said that she will anoint as God has instructed but the healing is up to Him. She is only acting as His instrument. What a gift that is!<br /><br />I am so blessed to have Him showering blessings over me and Caleb. I know that even though I am anxious, He is there with me. I never feel alone. Really. He continually reminds me not to be afraid, but to remain strong. I am happy that some people listen to God's instructions and are brave enough to allow Him to work through them. This occasion is the perfect example of a time when a human being was capable of bringing the peace of Christ to someone simply by following His will and overcoming the fear to do so.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-70089741126835550022010-07-19T15:00:00.003-05:002010-07-19T15:52:39.654-05:00The Pressures of DecisionsA few weeks ago I sent out an email to all of mine and Andy's family. I specifically said that we don't want any visitors at the hospital when Caleb is born. When you add Andy's siblings, spouses and their children to mine and then you add our parents, you come up with a number close to thirty people. That is a lot of potential visitors, especially when you are expected to make personal and very private medical decisions that could mean the life or death of your child.<br /><br />Don't get me wrong, I am happy that we have so many people who care about us and Caleb and wish to put in their opinions to help us reach the best-possible outcome. That doesn't mean that we will welcome their suggestions and advice, especially considering that we don't really share the same views in popular medicine.<br /><br />I have already come to a point where I feel a lot of pressure in making a few decisions relating to Caleb and I just wish that everyone could put themselves in my shoes. I am carrying a baby; a baby that I have known for 9 months; a baby that I have already established an emotional bond with. I am coming so close to the inevitable...delivering him. He could come tonight; he could come in two weeks. All I know is that he will be coming soon. That means that the time is rapidly approaching when the decisions will have to be made. Andy and I will soon face the reality that our son might not live a long life or he may live a long and painful one. Caleb may beat all odds and do better than any of us might expect. The only thing I can guarantee is that we will learn the answers to our questions when he is here with us.<br /><br />I cannot describe the bitter-sweet feelings I have regarding this anticipation. I feel like I am reaching the light at the end of a tunnel, yet I don't know if there is a monster waiting out there on the other side of it. The only thing I can do now is to trust in God and wait. I am still not afraid, but it is still extremely difficult to sit and wait helplessly for something to happen, knowing that you have not an ounce of control over the outcome.<br /><br />It is a shame that people can't empathize with me in that I don't need any added stress right now. You'd think that everyone would try their best to just let me be, but somehow, that just isn't happening. To say the least, I guess I'm a little disappointed.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-5540621374118728752010-07-18T16:30:00.003-05:002010-07-18T17:07:55.478-05:00It gets worse before it gets better.I had a prenatal appointment this past Wednesday. It was my 37-week routine check-up. I also finally got a chance to go for a tour of the labor and delivery floor at the hospital and I got to go in the NICU. After talking with the nurse practitioners in the MFM program at the hospital, I have decided that I want to wait a little while before I give birth to Caleb. Here are the reasons why.<br /><br />Firstly, I thought it would be a good idea to ask the nurses about holding Caleb when he is born. Up until now, I have had this hope that he would be born crying and breathing with a steady heartbeat. I thought that maybe I would be allowed to hold him for a little while before they take him away for all the tests and whatever else they have to do to him. The nurses assured me that I would not, under any circumstance, be able to hold him before he goes to the NICU. Even if he is born "pink and screaming" I would be allowed to give him a kiss on the cheek at best.<br /><br />The nurse said that he might be breathing and in 5 minutes, he wouldn't be. She said that they just can't take any risks until they know for sure that he is stable. Now I am sure that any mother can understand the desire to hold her baby as soon as he is born. I believe in the bonding process and that it is important for both mother and baby. I also know that it is common for mothers who miss out on this bonding process to end up with post-partum depression...which I am at a great risk for anyway.<br /><br />So I would like to hold Caleb close to my heart for as long as possible before they take him from me. There have been people telling me that it is all for the greater good and that Caleb will be in good hands. People are telling me to remember that they will need to take him in the beginning so that I can have a better chance to hold him later. Now I do realize that these things are true, but that doesn't really make it easy to accept it all. I know that when the time comes, I am going to be bawling. I know that I am going to be wondering if he will die before I get a chance to hold him...that would truly haunt me forever. I know that I have to surrender myself and all my desires for Caleb and his health, but it is going to be extremely difficult.<br /><br />Then, there is the new discovery that was made in the last ultrasound. Up until now, we knew that Caleb had 2 separate issues with his brain. One of the issues is the heterotopia, which is the mass of excess tissue in the left-frontal lobe. The other issue is the absence of the corpus callosum and the presence of the cyst in its place. The doctors had noted that the right side of the brain appeared to be developing normally and they hoped that the right side would compensate for the left.<br /><br />It has been explained to me that in recent weeks, Caleb has developed an issue with the right side of his brain. He now has moderate hydrocephaly, which means there is swelling in a ventricle. His right lateral ventricle is moderately dilated, and I have been told that this will require a shunt to be put in. This would be an entirely different procedure from the one he may potentially have on the left side of his brain, so now, we are talking multiple surgeries from the get go. Not to mention the fact that shunts that are required because of abnormal anatomy need to be in place permanently. Babies outgrow shunts and they also have a risk of clogging or malfunctioning and this means that he will have to have revisions throughout his life. Again, this is something new that I feel I need time to digest before I meet him.<br /><br />I was worried about his head being too large to deliver and needing a cesarean, but that is no longer a major concern of mine. The doctor I saw this week said that he feels I will probably be able to deliver him vaginally since my daughter was such a large baby. He believes my pelvis can accommodate a head that is a little large in size, but if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I guess I'm okay with that.<br /><br />According to this doctor, the one who performed my internal exam, there are no "tell-tale" signs that I will be going into labor very soon. Like I said, now that I am in no hurry, that is just fine with me. He did say that things can change overnight so there are no guarantees, but obviously it is good to hear that I don't appear to be on the doorstep of delivery.<br /><br />I'll be going again for another appointment this Tuesday. I am eager to hear what they will have to say about labor signs when I go in. It is bound to happen sooner or later, but I am just hoping for later than sooner.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-32839829217589488292010-07-08T14:14:00.002-05:002010-07-08T14:50:21.197-05:00I Thought I Had Accepted All This, But...It has been a long time since I have posted anything. I guess you could say that life caught up with me and I just got wrapped up with work and preparations for having Caleb. I really had nothing new to report until now.<br /><br />As of yesterday, I have come to the realization that I have not accepted all of what is about to happen to me. I know that I have accepted what is potentially in store for Caleb, but I have made myself into an observer...an innocent bystander of sorts. I have not truly allowed myself to go into in-depth contemplation on what kind of labor and birth I will have. I guess a part of me felt like it would be selfish to consider the things that will happen to my body when the only thing that should matter to me is Caleb and his well-being.<br /><br />Yesterday I had an ultrasound and prenatal exam. I was prepared to discuss the findings and I wanted to talk about the potential of having a C-section. At this point, the only reason they would plan on a C-section is if his head is too large to pass. I have been told at the last few ultrasounds that his head was a little large, but not excessively. I was also told that the state of his brain abnormalities hasn't changed. I guess I have been imagining that to be good news.<br /><br />The reality is this; his head, at this point, is at the 95th percentile for growth. Yes, as you are probably thinking, that is alarmingly significant. The cervix only dilates to 10 centimeters in diameter and anything bigger than that won't fit through it. Caleb's head is 9.2 centimeters and I the doctors are certain that if he isn't born within the next week or so, it will grow to be too large. I am really not planning to have a C-section, but I have been preparing myself for the possibility. <br /><br />I asked them if they would consider inducing me to prevent his head from growing too large. I am 36 weeks and 37 weeks is considered "full term." I would rather not be induced either, but considering the lose-lose situation of C-section versus induction, I prefer the latter. The problem is that they won't induce me either as their policy is not to induce before 39 weeks. This presents the problem of me not getting any say-so in my medical care. I feel it should be my choice if I prefer to be induced at 37 weeks or if I choose to schedule a C-section. We are pretty sure that if I make it to 38 weeks, his head will be too big and I will end up with a C-section anyway. I'd rather be prepared and at least be able to give vaginal birth a try.<br /><br />I have come to the realization that this birth is going to be completely out of my hands and it is most-likely not going to go as I would wish it to. I haven't even met all the delivering doctors at the clinic I go to and that means I could end up with a perfect stranger delivering Caleb. Even the doctors I have met are strangers to me. I have never had more than 1 appointment with any of them so I honestly can't say I feel comfortable with any of them delivering my baby.<br /><br />Again, I thought I had taken all of this into consideration and accepted it, but as it turns out, I was wrong. The only thing I have accepted is that Caleb will be taken from me when he is born and our relationship will suffer due to the time he will spend away from me in the NICU. I have not accepted what this situation means for me, as a patient.<br /><br />Another thing I was supposed to do yesterday was go on a tour of the Labor and Delivery floor and the NICU. Neither of those tours happened. I have never even set foot inside the place my son will be cared for, nor have I met any of the neonatal staff. The nurse who was supposed to take me for the tour wasn't available when I was ready and there was apparently no one else who could take me. How disappointing. I am still not scared, but I feel so horribly unprepared.<br /><br />On the bright side, Caleb now weighs a whopping 6lbs 13oz, which is nearly 1lb bigger than average for this week in pregnancy. He won't be as big as his sister (thank God) but he will still be a nice-sized boy. Unfortunately, I was told that the cyst in his head has grown as well. This was much to my dismay because I was under the impression that nothing was changing in the brain. At this point, I don't know the implications of the increase in size and it seems that the doctors have all assumed a "we won't know what any of this truly means until Caleb is here" stance and it is honestly getting me a little frustrated.<br /><br />I understand that no one can predict how well or how poorly Caleb will do outside the womb, but all the more reason to get him out next week, right? I can say that I am ready to go...let's just pray that he is, too.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-2006491796122471702010-06-01T20:00:00.002-05:002010-06-03T16:28:02.452-05:00Antsy in Your Pantsy. Oh...and Crabby, Too.I am now 31 weeks pregnant. I feel hot, fat and annoyed. I have finally reached the point in pregnancy where I am miserable and ready to deliver. Obviously, I know that Caleb isn't quite ready yet, but I sure am! I am waddling for Pete's sake!<br /><br />In some ways, it is good to be able to just say I feel like any other normal pregnant lady. I am sweating even when I am just lying still in bed...even with my air conditioning on! It has been near or over 90 degrees every day for over a week now and I am starting to think that this is what summer is going to be like. So much for mild.<br /><br />I have been having nightmares and waking up to go to the bathroom about every 2 hours. I am exhausted, but I can't sleep. All of these things are signs that I'm getting closer to the end; including the fact that I have an extremely short fuse these days. I always feel like I'm going to blow up at any minute...or cry. Stupid hormones.<br /><br />Did I mention that Caleb doesn't want me to sleep? His favorite midnight past-time is kicking and punching whichever side of my belly I am laying on. So basically, he beats up the bed and it makes it extremely difficult to sleep. I can't even begin to tell you how fun it is to go to work in the morning when you haven't slept. I am just looking forward to my maternity leave, which begins in just six weeks. Boy, it couldn't be soon enough! Those six weeks will fly by, but right now it seems like at eternity. I'm glad I have Imola to take my mind off of how tired I am. I just wish she could share some of her energy.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-31456523859397960502010-05-25T15:33:00.002-05:002010-06-03T15:58:42.518-05:00Ultrasound Number....Who's Counting?I had another follow-up ultrasound today. I also had my very first prenatal visit with the staff at Rush. I am 30-weeks pregnant and it is nice to be able to say that I am 3/4 of the way there! My appointments will be every 2 weeks now instead of every 4 and all of them will be at the clinic at Rush. I just can't wait to drive that far every other week (not!)<br /><br />So I was very happy to hear that my weight gain slowed and I am back to gaining only 1lb a week. I am attributing that to my self-discipline in the "cravings" department...way to go Heather!!! My blood pressure was up a little, but nothing to be concerned about. Other than that, Caleb kicked the doppler again while they were listening to his heartbeat. I am thoroughly convinced that he hates being messed with in any way.<br /><br />The ultrasound was short and to-the-point. I was told that Caleb now weighs a little over 3lbs, which is at the 47th percentile for gestational growth. It looks like maybe I will get a chance to deliver an average-size baby after all. As far as his brain is concerned, everything appeared to be the same as before. The doctor did note that his ventricles were a little enlarged, but I believe that one of them was enlarged when we had the MRI two months ago.<br /><br />One other thing that made me a little uneasy was the fact that the doctor said his head size is about a week ahead of his body. If his head continues to grow faster than his body, I will most likely end up with a Cesarean...which I really would rather avoid. So I would appreciate the continued prayers that Caleb will grow well and his proportions will be normal.<br /><br />I am totally feeling like things are good at this point. I am thankful that the situation doesn't seem to be getting drastically worse and I have an overwhelming sense of calmness. It must be all the blessings that are being bestowed on Andy and I since everyone has been praying for us. We are growing more and more excited to meet our little angel!Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-46751502587382222010-05-18T15:24:00.002-05:002010-06-03T15:32:28.766-05:00Rest-Assured...I'm in the Clear!After 18 grueling, foodless hours, I completed my 3-hour Glucose Test. I don't know why they call it 3 hours, because it's actually 4! Little did I know, I had to have my blood drawn when I arrived at 9:30am, and then I had to wait for the lab to give them the "go-ahead" for the test. So I had to wait to drink the glucose solution until 10am and then they took my blood every hour at 11am, 12pm and 1pm until I was done. Boy was that rough!<br /><br />Thankfully, everything turned out okay and I am not considered gestational diabetic. My blood sugar was slightly over on one of the draws, but you have to be over on at least 2 of them to be officially diabetic. Needless to say, I will be attempting to eat better and exercise more now.<br /><br />I am so glad that this turned out well because I am SO NOT ready to deliver an 11 pounder! Lord have mercy on me! Let's just keep praying that Caleb will continue to grow at an average rate and end up being a nice 8 or 9lbs. That, I can do.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-14501208580542072582010-05-13T15:23:00.004-05:002010-05-15T21:43:21.906-05:00Another HurdleYesterday I had my 28-week prenatal checkup. Except for the fact that I knew I gained more weight than I should have, I thought things were going pretty well. Caleb has been moving like mad and I have been feeling good enough to eat non-stop.<br /><br />Needless to say, the eating caught up with me and I was astounded when I learned that I gained 9 whopping pounds in the last 4 weeks! Ouch! I am now committed to eating less and eating better foods. I know I've gotten a little carried away with the liberties of a pregnant woman, so now it's time to shape up for the final descent.<br /><br />Unfortunately the weight isn't my biggest hurdle. At 28 weeks gestation, women are required to take a glucose test to screen for gestational diabetes. Well...I failed. Just barely, but I failed! I had a feeling that might happen since diabetes runs in my family. An hour after drinking a sugary glucose solution, your blood sugar is expected to be 140 or lower...mine was 141.<br /><br />Now I have to do a big test to confirm whether or not I really have gestational diabetes. This Saturday, I will have to fast for 8 hours and then go to the hospital and have my blood drawn. After they take that sample, they will give me that sugary glucose solution again (yuck!) An hour later, they will draw my blood again, and they will draw it again on the hour for the next two hours beyond that. You counted right...that comes to 4 needles in all and I am not looking forward to it! I am also not looking forward to the idea of not eating anything between dinner on Friday night and 1pm on Saturday. I totally feel sick when I don't eat!<br /><br />Hopefully, the first test will prove to be a fluke and I will end up not having gestational diabetes. If I do have it, there will only be more complications in this pregnancy, not to mention the fact that mothers who develop gestational diabetes are much more likely to develop Type II Diabetes later on in life. Another concern is that my daughter was over 10 pounds and I didn't have gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with her. If I do have it, this baby is very likely to be much bigger than she was. I am hurting just thinking about it! I will do my best to stay healthy if you all do your best to keep praying!!!Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-23717395251588176962010-05-10T15:09:00.003-05:002010-05-13T15:22:51.459-05:00Surprise!!!!Can I just tell you how awesome it is to have amazing women for co-workers? Today I was given a surprise baby shower by the women I work with. I was totally unexpecting and it made for a great experience!<br /><br />Some people have been asking me what I need for Caleb because they want to buy gifts. Being that he isn't my first baby, I won't be having a shower with my family and friends. Since my last baby was a girl, I have nothing for a baby boy. I suppose I've been a little lazy with my preparations for Caleb. I am 28 weeks pregnant and I haven't even bought one outfit for him.<br /><br />Procrastinator that I am, I would likely give birth to Caleb and still not have my house ready for him. It was definitely a big relief that my friends at work care enough to shower Caleb with gifts. Now I have less to worry about for my last trimester, and I couldn't thank these women enough!<br /><br />Caleb now has clothes, diapers, bootie-rattles, mitts, snuggly toys (some that even play music) and much, much more! And Lord knows I ate a lot of the delicious food that my friends brought to the event. I can't believe I had no idea! Supposedly, there have been flyers floating around in my office for 3 weeks now and I never even noticed. Am I observant or what?Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-10276255591017460542010-05-05T14:46:00.003-05:002010-05-13T15:09:07.554-05:00Prayers Across AmericaYesterday I made a very important phone call. I called into Relevant Radio, which is a Catholic radio station that reaches 30 million people across America as well as around the world through their stream from their website. I called during the noon-hour, when their show called "Go Ask Your Father" was airing.<br /><br />The host of this program is Father "Rocky" Hoffman, and Andy and I recently met him at a talk he gave in our church. Father Rocky listened to our story about Caleb and he told me specifically to call him on-air on Tuesday 5/4/10.<br /><br />When I called, he let me talk a little about Caleb and his condition. It was fantastic to be able to put in a prayer request to all the listeners because I know that many of them will be praying for Caleb just as I asked. What a blessing to be able to reach that many more people and receive their prayers for Caleb! My heart is singing!<br /><br />Father Rocky informed me that Caleb's due date, August 5th, is the feast of Our Lady of the Snows. He told me the story of the devotion to Our Lady of the Snows and he said that we should specifically ask her intercession for Caleb since his due date falls on her Feast Day. So I have begun to ask her to pray for Caleb as well. For those of you who don't know about this devotion, I urge you to search for it on the internet...it is an amazing story.<br /><br />Caleb's army is most definitely growing and I have faith that God will hear our prayers!Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-70781923363872280272010-05-02T21:11:00.004-05:002010-05-02T21:48:32.282-05:00My Sixth SacramentA few weeks ago, a woman I know was telling me about her husband's experience with sepsis. He was very sick and he nearly died. When he was in the hospital, a priest came to visit him and give him a Catholic Sacrament called Anointing of the Sick. This is a special Sacrament that is given to people who are seriously ill and, most of the time, to people who are on their deathbed. Anointing of the Sick involves prayers, a blessing given as the priest lays his hand on the person's head, and then the person is anointed with a Holy Oil. The priest uses olive oil that has been blessed at a ceremony held just before Easter.<br /><br />When this woman described her husband's experience, she told me that he said he literally felt a physical difference the moment he was anointed. He said it felt like the illness lifted from him and he immediately felt stronger. The doctors had told him that he was extremely close to death and he was fortunate to make it through that situation alive.<br /><br />Well...as you can imagine, after she told me her husband's story, the woman suggested that I ask for Anointing of the Sick on Caleb's behalf. I had never thought of that possibility before. Caleb hasn't even been baptized yet and that is typically the first of the Seven Sacraments that Catholics may receive. Caleb isn't officially a member of the Catholic Church so I was sure that he couldn't be anointed with a Catholic Sacrament until he has been baptized.<br /><br />I figured I may as well ask our Pastor, Father Brad, to see if it would be possible for me to receive Anointing of the Sick on Caleb's behalf. Father told me that anything that is done in good faith should be okay. He felt like it was perfectly reasonable for Caleb to receive this Sacrament since it is my wish for it to be done.<br /><br />So, tonight I received my sixth Sacrament; though this is the only time I have ever received a Sacrament on someone else's behalf. I am so grateful for the Catholic Church and the awesome faith we share as a community! I can't describe the gifts that have been bestowed on me, Caleb and Andy; simply because of the prayers being said for us.<br /><br />A few days ago we went to a seminar. Andy and I met Father Rocky from our favorite radio station called "Relevant Radio." When the seminar was over and we talked to Father Rocky, we told him of the situation with Caleb and asked him to bless him and ask God for healing. Father Rocky blessed Caleb at our request and he also told me to call in during his show when it airs. He said that we'd pray for Caleb on air and he'd request all the listeners to keep him in their prayers as well. Relevant Radio reaches 30 million people so I can't imagine the deluge of grace that is about to fall over Caleb and I!<br /><br />I am so over-joyed at the idea of even more perfect strangers praying for my son. How generous people can be with what little some of them have to offer. Prayer is the greatest gift anyone can give Caleb at this time, simply because it is the gift with the most to offer.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-76115356440166651532010-04-28T21:53:00.000-05:002010-04-29T22:20:14.136-05:00His Beautiful FaceYesterday, I had my four-week follow-up ultrasound. I was smiling and happy walking in to my appointment. I suppose I caught the nurses off guard because they were shocked to see me there alone. They were asking me how I was doing and if I brought anyone with me. I always feel like a celebrity when I go in there; the nurses are very personable.<br /><br />I explained my emotions to the nurses. I let them know that there are a lot of people praying for us. I told them about this blog. I told them about giving it all to God and how joyful and peaceful I've been ever since. They told me that I am so lucky to be able to really accept this and be joyful right now. According to them, most women can't reach the state I'm in right now; especially not a mere month after they receive the kind of news I have received.<br /><br />I do know that I am fortunate. But I am not "lucky" to feel the way I do; I am "blessed." It is because of all the prayers being said on Caleb's and my behalf that I am joyful and strong. I am blessed to have so many people who truly care about me. More than that, I know that Caleb is on a mission. It brings me peace to know that he has a purpose. The strength that he has brought to us is inspiring hearts and even helping people remember how to have faith and how to turn to the Lord in difficult times. Caleb has already established an army of "prayer warriors", and they are under his command. ;-)<br /><br />The ultrasound results were just as we expected...the brain is the same. The heterotopia isn't growing or changing. His head size is still perfect in proportion to his body. His body looks absolutely normal in size and shape. He is nearly 2 pounds now. It is amazing how beautiful he is to me...my sweet little son.<br /><br />The doctor was trying out some new software with the ultrasound equipment so I got some really awesome pictures. This was the first time I've had ultrasound pictures that were superficial. Instead of black and white photos that look like X-ray, I got photos of his face that actually look 3-D. He looks like his sister!<br /><br />We will continue to persevere in our prayer and our hopes for Caleb's health. I am, however, staying grounded with the expectation that Caleb will have the handicaps that I was told about. In my mind, this doesn't mean I have given up hope, it just means that if things are better than expected, it'll be a nice surprise for me. Either way, I will love him just the same.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-11296737892771543802010-04-25T21:37:00.000-05:002010-04-26T21:50:38.636-05:00Caleb Dances<span style="font-family: georgia;">There is no denying it...Caleb loves to boogie! Maybe he is only using two limbs; maybe he is using all four. All I know is that the child cannot sit still.<br /><br />I have read and been told that babies are most active between 24 and 30 weeks. Being that I am now over 25 weeks, I am not surprised that I feel him. I am, however, surprised that he flips around so much that at times it almost makes me sick! I don't remember feeling this much movement when I was pregnant with Imola.<br /><br />I guess I'm a little surprised that I feel him moving so much because I am aware of his abnormalities. I wouldn't expect a handicapped baby to move this much or to have movements this strong. I can actually see my belly move when he kicks! That doesn't usually happen until well into the third trimester.<br /><br />It has to count for something that Caleb is moving so much. It makes me happy when I feel it because it makes me feel like he is just like any other baby. But then I remember that he is not just like any other baby...he is special...he is Caleb. I don't want him to be like any other baby; I just want him to be himself. Caleb, the swing-dancin' lad!<br /><br />In two days I will go in for yet another ultrasound. I will get to watch him dance on a TV screen once again! I can't believe that I am actually okay with going to this appointment alone, now that I know there are so many people with me in spirit. Besides, what news are they going to give me that is worse than what I've already heard? I guess I can say I'm not afraid anymore.<br /></span>Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-46491102708359805062010-04-22T21:20:00.000-05:002010-04-26T21:37:01.946-05:00Myriads of Angels Surrounding Me<span style="font-family: georgia;">I cannot believe how many people are praying for us! My family, friends, coworkers and acquaintances have been passing the word about Caleb around and there are countless numbers of people praying for us. We literally have people praying around the country and around the world! It touches me to know that even strangers care.<br /><br />I have estimated just the people I know of who are praying and it has to be over a thousand. Imagine the angels that surround me as I carry this precious child. It is no surprise that I have found strength, joy and peace...how many mouths and hearts have asked God to give me these gifts? I feel like a lighthouse, beckoning those in darkness. I feel like I can't contain my joy! I want everyone to know this feeling.<br /><br />Those of you who are praying...please don't stop. You are carrying me through it all. The comfort I have found in knowing so many people are praying is unreal. And I can assure you that your prayers are being answered. I am aware that I will need to keep this spirit of strength and hope throughout the rest of this pregnancy. I have another three long months to go, and after that, the future is uncertain. The closer we get to the time when Caleb will arrive, the more stressful it will be. Now is not the time to say, "Oh, she's fine! I'll pray for something else now." Please continue to remember us in your prayers...you are doing a world of good!<br /></span>Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-20252243767619762812010-04-17T20:54:00.000-05:002010-04-26T21:20:02.886-05:00Keeping the Faith<span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="font-size:100%;">It began to get easier...the commitment to faith and trust. At times I could feel myself being pulled into the mindset of despair, but it wasn't that difficult to pull myself right back out again. I was always conscious of it when I felt it coming on, and that helped me to not let myself give in. It wouldn't have been fair to Caleb.<br /><br />Now, I hav</span><span style="font-size:100%;">e always had the Catholic Church in my life. My mother is a woman of great faith and she tried to teach us as children that we should always give everything to God and let Him bless us as he chooses. She has always taught me to respect life from the moment of conception and because I understood and embraced this at a young age, I have always been unconditionally prolife. Not in a judgemental way, but with compassion and love for humanity.<br /><br />Let me just say that it is easy for a woman to be prolife when she has never had an unplanned pregnancy or been pregnant with a handicapped child. Don't get me wrong...the "choice" of abortion was NEVER an option for me. I especially can't imagine making the choice to abort a child after you have felt him move inside you. What I am saying is that I actually found myself in a position that would cause many a woman to consider ending the life of her child. For once, I got to see it through their eyes. I cannot describe the pain in my heart when I thought of the women who have chosen death over life. How devastating and sorrowful it must be to feel that there is no other choice.<br /><br />I have spent many hours imagining what it would be like for these women who feel like abortion is their only option. I have been blessed with such a strong faith that I know I will make it through whatever the future holds for Caleb, but what about the women who don't know faith? The women who have no strength? How terrifying this world must be for them? It is difficult to imagine.<br /><br />This idea of what "choice" means for women like me just reconfirms my prolife stance. This cross that I have been given to bear is ultimately making me a better person and giving my life a joy it never had before. There is a blessing being bestowed on me now; one like no other, and it is because I choose Caleb. I know that these same gifts are awaiting every woman who chooses life. Sometimes it's just difficult to accept them.<br /></span></span>Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-53225794015475359962010-04-13T15:44:00.000-05:002010-04-25T16:00:53.396-05:00The Amnio Never LiesI called the nurse practitioners back on Tuesday morning. I had to leave a message and wait for them to call me back, but I was determined to get my amnio results. Luckily, I didn't have to wait long for them to return my call.<br /><br />It was such a relief when the nurse informed me that the amnio results were in and everything came back normal. Whew! I couldn't believe I had let myself imagine the worst just the night before. She told me that it was routine to have a genetic counselor meet with anyone who was pregnant with a child with congenital abnormalities. She said that the counselor would discuss the potential of this situation repeating itself in my life or the life of a family member, however, from what the MFM doctors knew, they felt this was a fluke and was not related to genetics.<br /><br />I had to call Andy immediately to tell him that we didn't have to worry about Caleb's condition being passed on again to another child. It was wonderful news because I knew I wasn't done having children; my heart was too big to not share it with more sons and daughters.<br /><br />Once again, peace overcame me and joy filled my heart. I knew my son would live to be held in my arms! I knew that I would take him home from the hospital and we would live our lives with the joy of having him with us. I didn't expect him to be healed by another miracle, but I knew that it wasn't out of the question. I was okay with whatever God would choose to do with our lives. I was determined not to let go of my trust again.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364929604488013788.post-80366788739956959652010-04-12T20:34:00.000-05:002010-04-25T15:43:15.084-05:00A Newfound JoyI woke up for work on Monday morning. I woke up with an immense peace and joy that I had never before experienced in my entire life. Yes, I did think about Caleb. No, I was not in a state of denial; I simply couldn't find an ounce of despair in myself. I was amazed at this feeling. It absolutely was surreal to me.<br /><br />One thing I have never mentioned in my previous blogs is this awesome sign that God had given me. At several points between the Thursday I had the consult with the neurologists and the Sunday I had surrendered my sorrow, I had distinctly smelled the sweet scent of incense. No, it was not like the cheap incense you buy and burn in your house...it was the incense they use in Catholic churches for special occasions. I'm sure that many of you know what it smells like. Some people dislike it, but I love the way it smells. That scent has always made me feel like that is the way Heaven smells. The incense is used to symbolize our prayers rising up to the heavens in a cloud. I love to imagine my prayers rising to the Father in that cloud of sweet-smelling incense.<br /><br />I knew in my heart that God had sent me this fragrance as a sign that He is with me. The first time I smelled it was in the parking garage at Rush as my mom and I waited for the elevator. I asked her if she was wearing some new fragrance or deodorant. I hadn't smelled it in the car on the way there, but it was so strong to me just then...in a parking garage of all places! She said she couldn't smell whatever it was I was smelling. It seemed strange to me then, until I smelled it again the next day when I was praying the Rosary. I smelled my rosary beads and there it was again, and that is when I realized that it had to be a sign.<br /><br />Throughout the course of the day I had passing thoughts of Caleb. I had been asked a few times about how I was feeling and if everything was okay. The truth was that everything was as okay as it could have been at the time. I felt like I was just a pregnant lady, eagerly awaiting the birth of her son.<br /><br />When I left work I checked my voicemail and I had a message from a nurse practitioner at Rush. She informed me that she had scheduled an appointment with the genetic counselor following my previously scheduled ultrasound in a few weeks. That is when I realized that I still hadn't gotten the results of the rest of my amnio. It was after 5PM and I knew I wouldn't be able to reach the nurses until the next day.<br /><br />I let myself lose my trust and I began to panic. Why would a genetic counselor need to meet with me if there wasn't something wrong with the chromosomes? I went home and began researching X-linked chromosomal syndromes that pass from mother to son. I let myself run away with it and I began to imagine that Imola, my daughter, carried a syndrome that she would one day pass to her son. I began to imagine that I wouldn't have any more children for fear that I'd have another son and I would once again pass this horrible defect on to a child.<br /><br />The internet provided me with terrifying mental images of the chromosomal abnormalities of my future children. I read of a syndrome that passes from mother to son and usually causes the baby to die in-utero. If the mother is a carrier, her sons have a 50% chance of getting that gene. I began to ponder the fact that my mom only had 3 living sons out of 14 pregnancies; 2 of them ending in miscarriage and the gender was never determined. I remembered that my mother only had one brother out of a family with 6 children and I knew my grandma had lost a few babies. I suddenly realized that there could totally be an unknown gene floating around my family and I would never have known.<br /><br />All at once, I realized that I wasn't trusting in God's Will. I realized that I had let go of my trust as soon as I let myself worry. I remembered that I had made a commitment and I needed to stick to it. I never before realized that trust isn't something you declare at one point and it sticks around forever; it is a decision that you make every day of your life. It is a commitment that you make and it is something that you have to work on in order to keep it in your life.<br /><br />I can honestly say that as soon as I made this realization, I decided once again to let God take it from me. I consciously began to pray the prayer of Divine Mercy. I opened my heart and once again, He came in and took away the fear. I went to bed that night knowing that everything was going to be okay, no matter what the amnio results were.Redheaded Hethurhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15370226159827371283noreply@blogger.com0